I am also sharing this post on my personal blog: thejukeboxofmymind.blogspot.com. Feel free to check it out! (There are a lot of pictures!)
This summer, I am spending four weeks in Xela,
Guatemala, primarily in Spanish language school, and then heading to El
Salvador for six weeks to serve the United Methodist Church. I am studying and
working with Meredith and Ben, two people for whom I am very grateful. We have
finished our first three weeks of language school, and the time has flown by.
The Uncomfortable
In general, I don’t like change and I don’t like feeling
uncomfortable. It’s a wonder I like to travel so much. Whenever I travel, there
is always that time of not feeling like I belong, of feeling uncomfortable. I’m
not talking about being physically uncomfortable- a bed with very little
mattress; cold showers; being wet, smelly, and gross; and crowded buses with
people sitting on top of me are givens. I can handle the physical
uncomfortableness pretty well. However, the feeling of awkwardness, the
insecurity of not belonging- these are the uncomfortable times that I had to
embrace during my first few weeks here in Xela, Guatemala.
Faith
The second day I was here, my host family grilled me about
my faith. I don’t live with a Christian family here, and my “dad” has some serious
opinions about Christianity. They did not understand what “Anglican” is, let
alone “Episcopal.” They think I’m Mormon because I don’t drink coffee or
alcohol [I do drink alcohol in the U.S., I just decided not to here]. Anywho,
on this second day in Xela, my dad kept asking me about the Holy Spirit, Jesus
and saints, and, well, I was super uncomfortable. My speaking skills at this
point consisted of “sí” and “no,” although I did understand most of what he was
saying. I realized quickly that to some people, I was going to have to defend
the cross I wear around my neck. Living with any host family necessitates an
adjustment period, and this host experience is no exception.
Food
Last Saturday, I had my first real “culture shock”
moment. I went into the kitchen to sit at the table and eat lunch, and on each
plate was an entire fish. Head, fins, tail and all. “Lovely,” I thought. How do
I eat this?! I decided to wait and watch the rest of my family for hints on how
to begin. My eight-year old “brother” dug right in with his hands, ripping off
the fins and picking out the bones. I decided to watch other people at the
table… one woman was using a fork, so I decided I’d try with the fork. My “dad”
looked at me struggling with the fork and said, “You don’t need a fork! Just
dig in with your hands, like Fernando!” Ok, if you say so! Hola, culture shock! Fernando ended up devouring three fish-heads.
Don’t worry, I didn’t follow that example.
Staring
I love that children have no filter or sensor. My almost
2-year-old “nephew,” Alejandro, is a prime example. He openly stares at me, and
then screams. During the stare, his eyes say, “You don’t belong here… You’re
not like us. What are you doing here?” I look right back at that adorable child
and think, “I don’t know, Alejandro. Good question.”
Language
What makes it all worse is not feeling confident in
speaking the language. I feel great at school with my teachers, and then I come
home and feel like an idiot talking to my family. Put me in any public
situation and I have to rehearse what I’m going to say over and over so as to
not feel like a dork. And then usually I don’t understand the responses to
whatever I ask.
BUT…
Embracing that Uncomfortable
Recently, something clicked. On my trip to the Mercado San Francisco with my teacher Odilia,
I felt like I could actually speak to her, and we had very friendly
conversation the entire morning. Over the weekend, Alejandro said my name
(“Tita,” he can’t pronounce Christa!). I’ve had bonding moments with every
member of my family, even mi abuela
who I cannot understand (we dance to the music on the radio). This week I
laughed and joked with my new teacher, Flor, as if I was hanging out with a friend
in the U.S.
Somehow, miraculously, after three weeks of struggling
through a new language and culture, I finally feel like I can be myself in
school and with my family. I feel settled, I feel welcomed, I feel comfortable.
I have been enveloped in love by these people who at one point had made me feel
out of place. When I walk to my “house,” I feel like I’m going home. I have
created bonds with my teachers at school that make me excited to go every day,
just to see them and talk with them!
But of course after one more week, I will leave for El
Salvador where circle of feeling uncomfortable will start all over again.
Although feeling uncomfortable is probably one of my least favorite feelings,
it is also something I highly recommend because it is a reminder that life is
not always a comfort. It doesn’t take an abroad experience to feel
uncomfortable- I can think of many places in Durham, Geneva, or Framingham
where feeling comfortable would take a lot of time and effort. Time and effort
that would be well worth it, vale la pena.
Being uncomfortable abroad ultimately helps me think
about immigrants in the United States who potentially live in a perpetual state
of discomfort. I firmly believe that when we cannot empathize with people, we
make it easier to put up barriers and divide ourselves based on differences. We
can easily think that other people’s problems are not our own. I’ll be the
first person to tell you that feeling uncomfortable and out of place stinks. However
I was given the chance to thrive in the uncomfortable-ness to the point where I
was welcomed and loved, and that feels great. Gracias a todas las personas
de mi “familia” in Xela quien me ayudaron y me calmaron. Admiro la hospitalidad
Guatemalteca.
In the end, what honestly gives me the most comfort is
knowing that you all are thinking about me and praying for me as I am on this
journey. You, my “family,” have supported me so much along the way, and I
appreciate it so much. I will end this post with a prayer from the Book of Common
Prayer that I found as I began to write this post, which I see as a prayer to
help me try to embrace others who are uncomfortable:
A Prayer for the
Human Family
O God, you made us in your own image and redeemed us
through Jesus your Son: Look with compassion on the whole human family; take
away the arrogance and hatred which infect our hearts; break down the walls
that separate us; unite us in bonds of love; and work through our struggle and
confusion to accomplish your purpose on earth; that, in your good time, all
nations and races may serve you in harmony around your heavenly throne; through
Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
Peace, Love, and Smiles,
Christa
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